My Cranky Christmas List — Because This Is The Sh*t I Want

My Cranky Christmas List — Because This Is The Sh*t I Want


Scary Mommy and H. Armstrong Roberts/ClassicStock/Getty

Here’s my list, bitches.

Too harsh? Yeah, probably. But I’m sure it weeded out a few people. So, mission accomplished! Because this post, my Cranky Christmas List, is going to be a dirty pirate mouth post. There’s your warning. Dirty. Pirate. Mouth. And things that might piss off a person or two. #sorrynotsorry

Here’s what I want this year! I only want five things. Just five! In a land of endless stuff … all I want are five measly little things. And guess what? It’s not even stuff!

1. A Clean House

This made my list last year too. It still applies. Honestly, I just want a sparkling clean house that I had absolutely nothing to do with. I don’t care if it’s cleaned by drunken gnomes with bad attitudes. Just clean it. Do you hear that, family? Just clean the goddamn house and you are done shopping for mom. That’s it! Plus, when you’re the one responsible for the cleanliness it suddenly becomes way more important to keep it clean. Who knew?

2. A Self-Emptying Trash Can

No, this is not the same as a clean house. This goes way beyond a one-time deal! This is a magical thing! This “magic” is usually me and I don’t wanna do it anymore. Not all the time at least. So, what I want for Christmas is for some of this “magic” to wear off and for some of these strange, ever-present chores to magically get done. By someone else besides me.

Things that happen on the regular like dishes, a full trash can, dogs that need to be let out, laundry moving from one machine to another … all these tiny little things add up. And who knows? Maybe mom’s magic might regroup and spill out elsewhere when it’s not being hogged by all these constant, never-ending chores? There’s only one way to find out, folks.

3. An End to Gaslighting

Calm down, I’m not talking about in my house. We’re all good here. I’m talking about in our society. Especially this time of year! “It’s not about the gifts!” (But make sure you wake up at 4 a.m. the day after we are thankful for what we already have to go shopping!) I mean, what the fuck? The messages we send are so messed up, aren’t they? Oh, wait. No, they’re not. Or are they? GASLIGHTING! YAY!

In my opinion, gaslighting is rampant in our society and we are all just … ignoring it. We talk about it a little, in terms of personal relationships, and people try to talk about it in society with things like the #metoo and #blacklivesmatter movements. But look what happens? We’re told we’re insane. Or that it’s not that big of a problem. Or that our feelings are invalid. It’s a constant battle just to be heard, never mind believed. Yes, yes, there’s always another side to the story, but for fuck’s sake, people, it’s about to be 2020. Can we please stop and just listen for once?!

I mean, it’s not like I’m asking people to burn down their houses or anything. Just acknowledge that, you know, other people have feelings and you don’t get to choose what they are. Shocker.

Viacheslav Peretiatko/Getty

For Christmas this year I want people to take a hard look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are a part of the problem or not. I was, and guess what? I’m working on fixing that. Because that’s how society gets better. We work to get better by choice; we aren’t just randomly perfect.

4. A Little Fucking Respect

Calm down, Glenda, this one is also bigger than me. Just like actually acknowledging people’s feelings, maybe we can also, you know, respect them? Live and let live? Funny story: When I see something gross, I stop looking at it or what have you. I just don’t get it. For the people out there who absolutely cannot tolerate anything different from themselves, for whatever reason, how about you just shut up? Like a raccoon, if you leave us alone, we’ll leave you alone.

For the rest of us, how about we talk to each other? Maybe lighten up a little? One thing I have learned through my teaching job is that I know so very little about other cultures, even with how much I’ve traveled! The food, the holidays, the clothing, the traditions … we’re missing out on so damn much by being closed-minded. Showing a little respect for other people and all that comes with them isn’t only a gift to others, it’s a gift to yourself. Bitch. (I was getting a little too soft there.)

Why does this belong on my Christmas list? Because it’s fucking Christmas! And people should be nice to each other this time of year regardless of what spaghetti monster you believe in or what color you are. Because why the hell not?

5. A “Thank You”

Okay, back to me. Well kinda. I want a thank you. A real, from the heart, thank you. Not in a card, not inscribed on some stupid cube or whatever. I want my husband, my kids, or some random-ass person to stop in the middle of some random-ass task, look me in the eye, and say, “Thank you.” Genuine. Human. Connection.

We get so fucking lost this time of year and it bothers me. Each and every year, we’re rushing from party to party, buying useless shit we know will never get used, spending hours wrapping crap, and losing sleep worrying about tiny light bulbs and whether we sent a card to the neighbor we had when we were seven. So if you see me, just thank me and call it good. I don’t need anything else. Except maybe wine.

There it is, y’all. My cranky Christmas list. You either love it or you hate it. Either way, I can tell you what I’ll be focusing on this year: other people. I’m tired of the cycle. The one where we claim it’s not all about the gifts, the perfect photos, and the most extravagant everything… but it really is. The curated imperfection. The “Oh, I didn’t do much this year,” followed by a Pottery Barn display in the living room and a second mortgage worth of gifts. We need to be done with all of it.

Don’t forget that I would also like someone to clean my damn house and a magically emptying trash bin. It’s not too much to ask, right?





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